How to Resolve Conflict at Work

In short: To resolve conflict at work, raise it early and privately, listen to the other person’s view first, and move from fixed positions to what each of you actually needs. Identify the real cause, often unclear roles or poor communication. Agree on specific changes and check back later. Bring in a manager or HR for misconduct or a dead end.

Conflict takes up a lot of working time. In the Myers-Briggs Company’s 2022 report, respondents said they spent an average of 4.34 hours a week dealing with it, about twice the figure from its 2008 study, and 36% reported dealing with conflict often or more. The sample was only 271 people, so treat those numbers as a rough guide. The same study offers some encouragement: 28% named better relationships and cooperation as the most positive outcome of conflict, and 23% cited a better solution.

Disagreement isn’t the problem in itself. Trouble comes when it goes unspoken, turns personal or drags on.

Find the actual cause

The argument on the surface often isn’t the real issue. In the same report, respondents chose these as top causes of conflict:

This matters since the fix depends on the cause. Two people who keep clashing about a deadline may not have a personality problem at all. They may each have been told they own the same decision, which is a structural issue that no amount of goodwill can solve. Ask yourself what would need to be true for the two of you to stop having this argument.

Step 1: Decide whether to raise it

Not everything requires a conversation. A single sharp email on a stressful day can usually be let go. It’s worth addressing when the issue keeps coming back, affects your work or is still on your mind a week later.

Check your own part, too. Have you made assumptions? Did you actually tell them what you needed? What might they say about you? You don’t have to accept the blame, but going in with some humility changes the conversation.

Step 2: Approach them directly

Talk to the person before you talk about the person. Going straight to your manager, or venting to colleagues, tends to harden positions and spreads the conflict around.

Pick a private setting and a calm moment. Avoid email for anything heated, because written words can be misread and forwarded. Open by naming a shared goal, without an accusation:

“I think we’ve both been frustrated about the handoffs on the Dallas project, and I’d like to sort it out. Could we grab 20 minutes?”

Step 3: Listen before you explain

Let the other person go first if you can. A guide by mediator Kenneth Cloke, used by the New Mexico state government, recommends letting each person speak without interruption, then summarizing what you heard and checking it’s right: “So your concern is that you got the numbers the night before the deadline, and you had to redo the analysis. Is that it?”

Listening doesn’t mean you agree. Yet people who feel heard usually become far more willing to listen in return. Acknowledge the emotions as well, since unspoken frustration tends to block progress: “That sounds like a stressful week.”

Then give your own view, using specifics and effects: “When the draft comes in on the day it’s due, I have no time to check the data, and I end up presenting numbers I can’t stand behind.” Starting from your own experience is harder to argue with than “you always leave things until the last minute.”

Step 4: Go from positions to interests

This idea comes from negotiation research, particularly the Harvard Negotiation Project and the book Getting to Yes. A position is what someone says they want. An interest is why they want it.

Positions often can’t be reconciled, but interests sometimes can. A useful question from Cloke’s guide is: “Why is that important to you?” Asked with real curiosity, it can open up options nobody had thought of. Maybe the draft could arrive on Friday with final numbers on Monday. Perhaps a shared status note would address the fear of surprises.

Come up with options together before you judge them. Each of you will be more committed to something you helped design.

Step 5: Agree on something specific

Vague promises to “communicate better” rarely change anything. Write down who will do what by when:

• “Sam sends the draft by noon on Thursday. Priya flags data problems by Friday at noon.”
• “If either of us can’t make a date, we’ll say so as soon as we know, by phone and not by email.”
• “We’ll check in for ten minutes on the 15th.”

Then follow up. A short check-in shows you’re serious, and it lets you adjust whatever isn’t working. Reinforce what’s going well, so the conversation doesn’t feel like a one-off truce.

When to bring in someone else

Direct conversation isn’t always the right tool, or safe.

• You’ve tried and nothing has changed. Ask your manager to help, framing it as a problem to solve: “We’ve tried X and Y. Could you help us decide who owns this?”
• It’s a role or priority problem. Only someone with authority may be able to fix conflicting goals.
• You’d benefit from a neutral party. A mediator, whether from HR or outside, can set ground rules and help each side hear the other.

Some matters aren’t conflicts to be talked through. Harassment, discrimination, threats, retaliation and safety problems should be reported to HR, a senior manager or the appropriate legal authority, and you shouldn’t feel obliged to confront the person yourself. Keep dated notes and copies of relevant messages. Legal rights vary by country and state, and a lawyer can advise you in serious cases.

If you’re the manager

The Myers-Briggs research, as reported by the American Society of Employers, found that about one in four employees rated their manager’s handling of conflict as poor. Avoiding it is the classic error. A few habits help:

• Step in early, before others take sides.
• Hear each person separately, then together. Don’t decide who’s right after hearing only one story.
• Clarify roles and decision rights, since confusion is a common cause.
• Separate facts from interpretations. Ask what happened, then what each person took it to mean.
• Distinguish healthy debate from personal attacks. Encourage the first and stop the second.

Our guide on how to give feedback has a useful structure for those conversations.

When it won’t resolve

Sometimes the other person doesn’t want to change. You may then need to limit the damage: keep interactions focused on work, confirm agreements in writing and protect your energy. If it’s affecting your health or your career, consider moving teams or jobs, using the options in your career plan. Leaving isn’t always a failure. Handling tough relationships well is also a skill that tends to reward you in your career development, wherever you end up.